Chapter 2: Hate
(by kaori-chan, added on 2005-08-24 18:37:56 AEST) [Discussion Topic]
Title: Hate
Author: Kaori
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Date written: 12 March 2005
Inspiration: Sailor Moon – Tuxedo Mask Dead
Summary: After the death of the Elders, Syaoran faces the consequences of his actions, faces the torment of the punishment that the Elders placed on him, the reason why so little males are alive in the Li Clan. The reason why he hates what he has become.
He was alive.
He was breathing.
He was blinking.
He was moving.
Yet, to him it felt like the opposite.
He felt dead.
He felt suffocated.
He felt his eyes burn.
He felt unmoving.
Nothing felt right and he didn’t know if he wanted it any other way. Was this how the living dead felt? Only obligated to live when they were dead, soulless, forced to survive on blood.
He felt the corners of his lips tugging into a sadistic smirk. His dark, drenched hair fell around his cold golden eyes as he sat immobile atop a pillar that once supported a dragon statue. His leg was draw up to his chest with an arm draped casually across it. His right ankle was locked behind his left ankle and in his right hand a dripping sword was held loosely, dangling over the column.
Despite his normal pose, everything about him was wrong.
The once long lustrous hair of his had been hacked off with his sword. It had been Clan tradition for the males to grow out their hair in a long braid. Now, it was unruly like it had been since he was a child, unfortunately, every time he glanced down at the pool down at the base of the column, he’d always be reminded of his past, his childhood.
His green ceremonial robes had been discarded long before this moment, scattered in tiny pieces in the ocean waters along with his cousin’s body. It reminded him too much of her eyes, of her life, not to mention his clan made him wear it. He would have gotten rid of everything, made the Li’s mansion crash and burn down to the ground, but something held him back. She held him back.
Ironic, really. They were dead, all thirteen of them; the balance of the Zodiac and the almighty leader, dead. But that didn’t feel like enough. He wanted revenge, he wanted to kill. He’d done that already, he could still taste the metallic tang of blood in his mouth, but the thought of them dead, resting and in the next world with his beloved made him want to do it all over again. The satisfaction he felt as he sliced their body apart, ripped them to shreds, forced them to eat their own flesh and blood.
He needed more. Wanted more. His blood boiled for more.
The grip on the dark hilt at his side tightened. The silver sword glinted through the dry layer of blood. His white robes were stained with the disgusting blood of the Elders and for a minute, he felt like stabbing their lifeless bodies all over again. But he knew it wouldn’t do anything. They were dead; they couldn’t feel what was happening to their physical body anymore, so hacking through it was pointless. Their corpses were already beyond the point of recognition; anyone who stumbled upon this scene would have a hard time determining whether or not the slaughter was of human or animal.
For the first time, he took notice of the conference room. Everywhere he looked blood was present. Not a single place was devoid of the life giving liquid. From the ceiling down to the floors and to the tiny cracks of the walls the blood flooded.
Idly, Syaoran wondered how thirteen old men could hold so much blood. So much life.
“Xiao Lang, what do you think you’re doing?” The head elder commanded sternly, seeing his leader gaze at them hungrily.
“Put down the sword.”
“You set me up,” he growled.
“On what? Killing your love?” another elder sneered, “We don’t control your actions Xiao Lang; we can’t make you do anything.”
Golden eyes flashed and he stayed quiet. No point in arguing back. He knew it was his fault. He knew he killed her, but he would kill them in return. He closed his eyes tightly, feeling warmth travel down his cheeks.
“Cease your crying, we will have no leader of ours being so weak,” A thin bony hand shot out from the red robe and backhanded Syaoran. His face whipped to the side, but he didn’t wince. His face was void of anything.
“Shut up,” he murmured venomously, “I’m sick of hearing your voice. I’m sick of looking at you—”
“Are you sick of being who you are? With what you did?”
The elders circled around him and a glowing circle connected them together and surrounded him in a bright glow. A green column shot out from the center where he stood and lines ran out, quickly drawing out the Li Clan insignia. Some part, buried deeply in his mind, he fiercely berated himself for being so stupid. His mother had warned him of this and drilled it into his mind since he was a child, but he stubbornly ignored the signs and now he was trapped.
“We didn’t think we’d had to do this to you, but it seems to be the only way to make you obedient.” The old man smirked again and a long thin blade shot out from his hand. He held the sword horizontally from Syaoran’s body and held it dangerously close to his heart.
Syaoran did nothing to stop them. It wasn’t like he could, after all, they had him trapped in the circle of magic.
“What, make me like my father?”
A grim smile spread across thin lips, “He was weak, he couldn’t withstand the power he received; he couldn’t bear what he was.”
“And what if I fail as well?” he asked nonchalantly. He didn’t care what happened to him, what they did to him, as long as the elders died. And after they had done as they wished, he would prove them wrong.
“You won’t fail, you passed the test where he did not.” He couldn’t kill your mother, he knew it was her.
His teeth clenched together again, to stop himself from yelling. “I will never be your slave.”
“You won’t have any choice after this, will you?”
“You’re a failure, the only way you would ever redeem yourself is to go through with this willingly.”
The head elder smiled coolly, “And you’ll be exactly like her pets. Honoring title to have, don’t you think?”
Goddamn it, he thought, Why does everything lead back to you?
He felt the tears warm his eyes, but tried to blink them back. He had done his crying and he had mourned her death. He didn’t deserve anymore relief from life, from the pain. He didn’t deserve to live, but he didn’t deserve to die; he didn’t deserve anything. He wasn’t even sure if he was alive or not. With what those old men did to him, his whole existence was now upside down.
Sakura. She was so sweet, so full of life, so innocent and trusting. His nails dug into the healing wounds on his palm.
What did I ever do to deserve you? He inhaled shakily, Why did you love someone like me?
If only— He let the sword drop from his grasp. He learnt a long time ago that to dwell on the past was weak, only the present counted. But even that lesson wouldn’t get through his thick head.
“Xiao Lang,” calm, cold and quiet.
He lifted his eyes from the pool of blood to the person at the door, saying nothing.
They stayed like that for awhile, just studying each other, memorizing details, looking for differences.
Finally, the tall woman sighed and stepped forward towards her stoic son, not at all troubled by the bloodied state of the room.
It was for what seemed like forever did she speak again. Most Lis were taught to not speak unnecessarily, though Syaoran did have a knack for stating the obvious.
“Yue has awakened.” He knew what that meant. The moon guardian was the responsible one of the two and sensed the great surge of moon magic, releasing himself from the book, something their mistress had allowed him to do. Cerberus had the same privilege, but he doubted he’d be awake, even if by something that powerful.
“Wonderful for him.”
“He is demanding for an explanation. Soon Cerberus will be awake.”
“Great,” it sounded so flat that the word didn’t seem like a word anymore.
“Xiao Lang,” she sternly calculated his change, her black eyes hardening. “Your change does not excuse you of your duties.” Her fan was shaking with a slight tremor.
“So you think you can order me around as well,” he moved his head to glare at the woman.
“They are at the burial sight.” She turned around gracefully, gliding out lightly from the room. “You’re not my son anymore. I no longer hold any connection to you,” Yelan held back a shuddering breath and was gone from his sight.
Syaoran jumped down from the pillar well over half an hour after she left. He felt nothing, again he felt numb, just like he had when he realized he had killed his love. No emotions could affect him, unless it had any relation to his cherry blossom.
“You never were much of a mother,” he murmured detached.
Something flashed in his mind’s eye.
“Your mother is so amazing Syaoran-kun!” Sakura sighed dreamily as they walked down the path together.
Syaoran scoffed.
Sakura noticed and slowed down from her skip. She turned to face him, “You really are lucky to have her as your mother. I mean, she lets you go to Japan by yourself.”
She was answered with silence.
“Syaoran-kun…”
“Do you want some ice cream?”
“Shaoran,” emerald eyes stared pleadingly into his, “Don’t change the subject.”
He dug his hands deeply into his pockets.
“She’s nothing to me Sakura-chan,” he saw her eyes sadden at his callousness. I learnt that when you went to Hong Kong.
She was getting uncomfortable with the change in atmosphere and gazed grimly at the ground. “When are you returning back home?”
I am home, he sighed and hid his pained eyes, “…Tomorrow.”
“Don’t… Don’t leave until you’ve seen me, ne?”
He nodded once. Sakura beamed, “Now let’s go get that ice cream! Chocolate, ne?”
Again he felt the tears burning his eyes. Why?! He demanded, Why aren’t you leaving me alone? Aren’t you happy now?!
He dragged in the bloody air and closed his lids tightly. Twin tears danced down his face, adding moisture to the dry blood.
He bent down to retrieve his sword and stared at the shining blade, “Is this what they meant? Is this my punishment?”
“You were wrong about something. This won’t be done the same way it was done with your father.”
“You will still feel emotion, still think like a human—”
“And most importantly, you will be made to be under her rule. She will be your mistress.”
“Your bond with her will never be the same, even in death. You can’t die, but you won’t be living. You’ll be reminded every single day just exactly what pain you caused your mistress and no one will let you forget.”
“You companions will most likely shun you and no one of this clan will respect you.”
He hated them all with a passion, he decided, all of the meddling old fools who thought they could gain control of his humanity, like they had tried with all the other male leaders. This clan was mostly of females for a reason, and it wasn’t because of lack of males in birth.
The aggravating leader hadn’t moved the sword an inch from its position. He nodded to the two elders on either side of him. The one on his left threw a blank card into the circle and the one on his left followed suit with the Sakura key.
Two magical objects twirled about in a spiral of pink, glowing vibrantly over the Li insignia. Soon it was overlapped by the famous circle that held Sakura’s star, the Card Mistress’s magic.
Syaoran closed his eyes, knowing what was to be expected. Yelan and warned him many times of this, of the consequences, the results. She even accepted it, knowing that no one would be able to escape Li traditions.
He was prepared, he had been for a long time. Only the fact that he would be serving under her made him desolate. Having to kill her killed him, but to live with the guilt his whole life with reminders everywhere he looked would be torture to his soul (if he would have one after this).
All his life, happiness had been just one step away. Every single step he was closer to it, it would be one step ahead no matter what. When he met Sakura and fell in love with her, he thought that his luck would change. And it did, for a small period of time, only to be shattered once again.
Like a wolf was destined to be alone, regardless of his clan, he would never be happy, truly happy.
Syaoran walked slowly to the entrance. The room he was in was making him sick. It was driving him insane, no matter what, revenge would always be in his blood if he caught sight of even the smallest hints of blood.
Something before him caught his attention. The cloak of the head elder was in tatters on the ground, soaked in blood. Large holes gaped from every inch and he could barely see the white sticking out.
It wasn’t the old fool’s bones, that was obvious. When he was in his cold rage, he made sure every piece of flesh and bone would be ripped apart beyond the point of recognition. Most of them had witnessed their body parts being burnt to ashes after he severed their legs and arms, some even were cut in half and were surviving in pain. He remembered their pitiful scream of pain and choked moans as he fed them their own flesh and blood.
He shook his head, ridding them of the annoying old men and picked up the letter from the ragged robe. He was surprised that it was still in one piece, excluding the corner that was sliced off. He glanced at the stamp. Japanese. He scanned the hand writing and a growl escaped from deep in his throat.
Clearly on the front was his address and name, HIS name. Those goddamned elders were still keeping letters from him. He ripped it open and pulled out the letter. Blood drenched through half the sheet of paper already, but he didn’t mind, not yet anyway.
Syao-chan,
I’m so excited! I’m at the airport right now, writing this. Tomoyo thought it’d be fun to see if I’d arrive before this or if they’d send it out first. Who knows maybe we’ll arrive at the same time! I’m glad the Meiling-chan was able to convince the elders to let me visit you. I know I said in the other letters that I wanted you to come over for my birthday, demo… I think I was being too selfish… hoe… Good thing she sent me an invitation to come over, now you don’t have to stop you training! I can come over there to celebrate my seventeenth and to support you! Aren’t you happy?
Sorry, I’m babbling… Ooh! I’ll be seeing you in less than twenty four hours. I hope you still feel the same. Meiling-chan said you did, so I’m taking her word for that!
Love you Shaoran,
Sakura.
P.S. Tomoyo-chan made me send a recent photo of myself in here incase you don’t recognize me! Hope I’m not too ugly!
Syaoran opened the envelope and pulled out a blood drenched photo. It was half covered in blood, but he could still see her face, her angelic, smiling face. Ugly my ass, he thought with a snort. He wiped the glossy film against his already blood stained sleeve. When it was at least reasonably clean, he studied it intently. She was at the park, King Penguin Park if he remembered correctly, sitting on the same swing that he had comforted her at, wearing the simplest emerald dress he’d ever seen. One that made her look absolutely breathtaking.
Her auburn hair was long and braided in low pigtails, held together by dark green balls.
For a moment he had been able to forget, but knowing that he had destroyed someone so innocent made his heart clench painfully. Every emotion came rushing at him stronger than ever, stronger than when he realized he had killed her. All his self hate, pain, anger and sadness consumed him. His ambers eyes glowed.
“Damn it Sakura, I wasn’t worth it. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!”
He fell to his knees, sobbing. Never had he ever cried like this before. Every other time he had been silent, never uttering a sound, but now, he just couldn’t hold it in. The pain was too much, all because of a simple photo. A goddamned photo. He held his head tightly, shaking uncontrollably on the floor. “Damn it! GODDAMN IT!” Syaoran slammed his fists into the flooded floor over and over again. His hands were bruised and bleeding, but that didn’t matter. He’d heal soon enough, and his blood would just mix with the rest on the floor.
Large cracks appeared in the floor, sucking in the thick scarlet liquid, but he didn’t care. For the last week, nothing reached him, only pain and sorrow, only his dead cherry blossom. The doors slammed open. He didn’t care if anyone could’ve seen him crying so pathetically. He didn’t care what they thought. That was what he told himself over and over again, yet sometimes he found himself repeating things over and over again, making the same mistakes over and over again.
He felt the connection he had with her. The pull was so strong even in death. Her pink aura was wrapped around him possessively, keeping him in her grasp. He couldn’t escape her even if he wanted to, but the feeling he had, every single time he tugged at the connection, a sudden feeling of sadness hit his sense so powerfully. And that was too much to bear. He was linked to Sakura and could feel the last emotions run through him as it had run through her. He’d never be able to feel his love like the others did, all because of his past.
“Get up,” Yue spat hatefully at him.
He shakily lifted up his head, angry tears clouding his vision. He glared murderously at the guardian, “Don’t tell me what to do.”
“You are under my command now. I said get up.”
“I FOLLOW NO ONE!” A blast of green erupted from his form and slammed the angel back into the wet walls, smearing his long silver hair and white robes with scarlet.
“You killed my mistress,” a chill would have ran down his spine if he were still the young boy on the day of the Final Judgment, but he wasn’t, so nothing the guardian did could intimidate him.
The winged man flew at the eighteen year old, ice shard forming in his hands.
“I thought you hated her or taking Clow’s place,” Syaoran smiled cruelly. “What? Mad that you don’t have a master to follow anymore? That there was no one destined to take her place?”
Clear blue eyes pierced his soul (or lack of) as the shards flew out from the pale hands. Syaoran was forced to shield his face with his arms, unflinching as the shards cut deeply into him, filling his blood with ice. “Someone will take her place one day, and when they do, I will not hesitate.” Syaoran knew what he meant, knew very clearly that he was being threatened.
Yue was the appointed judge, always was. He was able to challenge any participant in owning the cards simply by telling them what to do, even if it was killing him.
“You can’t beat me, Yue,” the corners of his lips twisted up, “I’m like the void now, but I’m stronger than all of you.”
“You are under my command, Wolf.” Each word came out slowly, deliberately.
“I am under no ones,” he snarled and his nails extended into long sharp claws.
“You receive your powers from the moon gaki, Yue governs over the moon.”
Yue and Syaoran didn’t move to acknowledge the sun guardian.
“You can’t die, we know that, but having you do everything we ask is good enough.” The lion flicked a claw out from his paw.
“Get you pudding every singly minute?” Syaoran mocked, “Why, that seems so laboriously difficult. No wonder you can’t get any by yourself.”
“Grr, SHUT UP!” a column of fire shot out from his mouth. Syaoran once again shielded himself like he did with Yue’s attacks.
When Cerberus was sure that the kid was too badly burnt he closed his jaw. All around the room was the smell of burnt blood, burnt flesh, all because of the sun guardian’s attack coming in contact with death.
The smoke cleared away, but the Li leader still stood in the same position as before. Slowly he moved his head up, the same twisted smile still upon his lips. “Really, I thought you were stronger than that.” The burns on his arm quickly closed up and morphed back into smooth, flawless skin. The claws on his fingers sharpened and glinted in the darkened room.
Yue pulled out his hand draped across his stomach and held his index and middle finger out in front of him. He called upon a card of the moon.
A thin rectangular card spun into existence, the image on the front blurring with the pink back. It suddenly came to an abrupt halt, the card facing Syaoran. It glowed just as Yue’s eyes did.
“This is your fate now. Under the moon you are under me.”
Syaoran smiled lazily when nothing happened. “I believe you were trying to do something with that…?”
Yue refused to show his surprise. “You will obey!”
“Only one person will be able to master me. Right now she is dead, so until I find her again, I suggest you shut up.”
He stubbornly refused to give up. “RETURN!”
The card glowed, but nothing else happened.
Cerberus growled, “You return back now!”
He returned the sound, “So you can prowl around free while I’m trapped?” the golden orbs flashed and he crouched down low, “I’d like to see you try.”
The beast snarled and charged forward. Xiao Lang smirked and threw back his head, willing the change to take over his body. He felt his bones morph painlessly and the fur tingling against his skin. Sleek dark fur covered his being and all traces of blood were washed off. His eyes glowed brightly with gold as he glared at the guardians. On the large wolf, a silver clamp with a black jewel was clipped to his left ear and a metal cuff was around his left foreleg. On it the Li Clan symbol was etched and it glowed darkly with every move. His chest was embedded with his sword in its orb form and was circled with metallic metal. The red tassel hung out from the right side and dangled down onto the floor. His long thick tail held a thin silver ring around it, close to the tip, but it hovered away from the fur. On his forehead was another black jewel, like Spinal’s Sun, but instead of being a diamond, it was a star.
Soon, he was charging head on into the vicious animal in the body of a wolf. A growl echoed throughout the dead room and the impact of two brute creatures resonated loudly.
Cerberus opened his mouth and another column of fire shot out quickly aimed at the wolf. Syaoran dodged. His star began to glow a dark green. Small green orbs of energy began gathering the onyx. Suddenly, a long green beam of fire shot out and struck Cerberus in the red jewel on his head.
The sun guardian resisted. His stone cracked and the light died down. Cerberus collapsed to the ground, barely breathing.
Yue didn’t bother move to help his partner; he gazed intently at the wolf of the moon.
“Get back in the card.” His blue eyes flashed and an unseen force lifted him up into the air. A swirl of magic whirled around him, ruffling his long bound hair and flowing robes.
“Your mistress commands it.”
A sharp stab of hate filtered through Syaoran from the connection. He inhaled harshly, his eyes wide. Spontaneously, he transformed back his human form. “Damn it,” he whispered painfully. It was too powerful, too strong. She hated him, and he would always feel that hate, no matter what. He knew of a way to that might dull the hurt, but he didn’t want to. He was too stubborn to. He didn’t want to give in. He wanted, needed to prove to everyone he wasn’t weak, that he was stronger than them.
He curled into a small ball on the soaking floor, suppressing his sobs. It was unbearable. He let out an agonized scream, “Why? I said I was sorry! I killed them for you!” he breathed in raggedly, “WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?” Her hate was physical pain to him, for her emotions were her card’s world, her pain was theirs, her happiness was theirs, everything she was, they were. And right now, he felt her lasting pain, her horror when he killed her; it was what all the cards would feel until she was born again. But he was worse off than any other card. He was the cause, so he would suffer; the elders made it that way.
Yue smiled coldly and held out the card again, “Return to your true form.”
The card with the armored wolf emblazoned on the front radiated strongly with Sakura’s pink energy.
Wisps of pink wrapped around Syaoran’s form strongly and tried to pull him apart.
“No, I won’t,” he weakly fought against the pull of his card. “I can’t,” more tears streamed down his face, “I’m not weak…”
He burst into green spheres of light and was pulled into his prison.
“I’ll prove to you I’m not weak anymore…”
But everything he expected was wrong…
…the hate came back ten times worse.
It consumed him.
Yue threw the card to Yelan. Kero was in his false form, resting on Yue’s shoulder, not bothering to hide his disappointment in the disposal of the gaki (he wanted to humiliate the kid for knocking him unconscious).
“Thank you.” Yelan studied the card indifferently, absorbing every detail. She turned around and walked over to a place on the wall. She pressed the card into the rectangular gap. It fit perfectly with a click and began to glow dark green at the edges. She stepped back and gazed at the portrait of the eighteen year old boy with nonchalance. It was the last painting that would ever be put up in this room; there was no more space for another. Her gaze diverted around the circular room, eying each of the portraits hung in place. They all held a rectangular card beneath, but none of them blazed with power.
She almost smiled. The boy she gave birth to was the most powerful of the Li Leaders. He would be the only leader of the clan; he was the only one that gained immortality and survived.
He would be the Clan’s salvation.
Her coal black eyes glanced at the card again.
Nameless.
She wondered absentmindedly what he’s card would be.
Hate perhaps? Yes, hate was the only word that seemed to fit the wolf right now. She knew that it would be hate, for that was the only emotion that would be shining behind the lids of the golden eyed wolf.
She exited the room when the two guardians went back into the book safely placed in the stand in the center of the room.
As soon as she left, a four lettered word sparkled across metallic border.
Hate. |
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